July 26, 2003
Killer Bees Attack Colegrovia
A hive of killer bees took up residence at the Henderson palace uninvited. Royalty, including queen bees, are usualy welcome but Colegrovia has a strict anti-colonial policy. The killer bees were particularly uncivil. They attacked the first bee removal expert appointed by his majesty. The Henderson emergency services arrived promptly when the Emperor called 911 and told them the bees were "stinging the crap out of the exterminator." The firemen called in a real bee expert who knocked the hive to the ground.
Fortunately, the palace wall was not breached in the attack. The Emperor will appoint an imperial stucco master to repair the damage as soon as the estimates from the various local stucco
guilds have been received.
Many thanks to the Henderson Firemen & Paramedics for stopping the imperial exterminator from gettin' his self exterminated.
January 24, 2003
Almost everyone in Colegrovia is participating in a General Strike to protest the state of web services in
the Empire. "Colegrovia.com is not being updated. We are being kept in the dark," said Otto Dobetter, leader of the Surly Opposition. "Who knows what the Emperor up to without frequent Colegrovia.com
The Emperor's spokesperson Ann Nother stated "The Emperor is not concerned with the general strike. He's never heard of a Colegrovian doing any work around here anyway. Sure, the Minister of Agriculture, Fisheries and Topless Bars is always out doing 'research' but that hardly qualifies as work.
As for the complaint about infrequent updates to Colegrovia.com com the Emperor has committed himself to doing nothing of interest. So the lack of updates should be no problem."
United Airlines now Official Airline of Colegrovia
The Emperor, traveling incognito in coach class, took a voluntary bump off his Las Vegas to Denver
flight on January 19, netting a free round trip ticket. On the way back the same thing happened. In recognition of United Airlines beneficent incompetence in booking management the Emperor has
decided to name United the official airline of Colegrovia, at least until another airline gives him a free ticket.
July 15, 2002
Emperor Declares Family Room a Disaster Area
"The carpet is disgusting and so is the sofa. There is packing material from the new Imperial desktop
computer project all over the place and a big pile of discarded junkmail under the coffee table. The end
tables are heaped up with stuff that hasn't been touched in months. There is even a rumor of a dead spider in the corner. It's a disaster area," proclaimed the Emperor.
July 4, 2002
Americans Hold "Independence Day" Celebration
The large American ethnic community held a raucous "Independence Day" celebration again this year.
The unofficial holiday has been growing in popularity as more Americans emigrate to Colegrovia. A moderate backlash has been building in the Colegrovian patriot community.
"It's just not right, all these Americans parading down the street waiving their 'Stars and Stripes'. I
didn't see a single Colegrovian Flag in the whole parade. It's disgusting," said Mrs. Emma Bystander.
"It's just an excuse to get drunk on that American liquor they call Bourbon and set off noisy incendiary
devices. I think the secret police should clamp down on this kind of thing. When I was a child we didn't have all this St. Patrick's Day, Cinqo de Mayo, and Independence Day foolishness. We celebrated
truely Colegrovian holidays. I hear that some people don't even get Hobo Kicking Day off anymore. I don't know what our phony baloney country is coming to," said Rodger Overnout, Chairman of the
Keep Colegrovia Moderately Clean Committee.
Most Colegrovians when asked about the growing number of ethnic holidays said "I just hope I sober up soon enough after July 4 to stock up for Bastille Day."
June 15, 2002
Colegrova Not Worth Terrorizing
The 2nd Terrorist International, meeting at the Best Western in Ogalla Nebraska declared that
Colegrovia was not even close to the root of all evil. "Their application was really weak. Sure, they eat
regular hot dogs instead of the all beef kind and they let women drive golf carts, but on that basis they don't even make it up to Minor Satan. It appears we drink and blaspheme more than they do. They
might even be more pathetic and inhibited than we are," said Sheik Allialliallisindfrei, chairman of the Satan Advisory Board.
May 3, 2002
Emperor Visits U.N. to Open World Food Court
The Emperor attended the opening of the new World Food Court in the basement of the U.N.
headquarters building, which replaced the recently closed coffee shop. "You could get rapidly prepared
inexpensive meals at the old coffee shop. That went against the U.N. charter," said a U.N. spokesman. The new World Food Court will employ four waitpersons and one hundred and ninety three cuisine
supervisors, one from each member country. All meal orders must be filed at the U.N. office in Addis Ababa Ethiopia at least ten days in advance. The World Food Court Presidency and menu will change
weekly. The delegate from Bulgaria, who holds the first Presidency, was pleased to present those attending the ceremony with a plate of Bulgarian Gritwurst with deep fried sod and lumber tort.
"Of course, the new Food Court will have to be heavily subsidized. Just the cost of importing the dried
Yak dung needed to bake Mongolian Goat Balls would make meals prohibitively expensive for the average U.N. worker," stated Ms. Take, the Mongolian cuisine supervisor.
The United States of America has opted out of the World Food Court treaty. "The U.N. should just
open a McDonalds, and maybe a Taco Bell if they have to get all ethnicy, and a Starbucks. Everyone around here sleeps all afternoon. In fact they should open 'em up in thier home countires too. Maybe
they'd get off their buts and put in indoor pluming after a few double shot lattes. Jeez these lazy bastards
make me sick. And how come the Swedish tour guides won't go out with me? I've got a really nice car," said the USA delegate.
The United Kingdom is also contemplating withdrawl from the treaty. "Some day we would have the
canteen duty. Many in our delegation took this posting to avoid English food. On the other hand, it would be quite enjoyable to make the French choke down spotted dick at luncheon," said Sir.
Withlove, the British delegate.
February 23, 2002
Emperor Recognizes China
"As soon as I got off the plane in Taipei I could see I was in China. There was Chineese writing on
everything," said the Emperor. The Imperial visit is described here.
September 25, 2001
World Revolves Around Emperor
Back in May I decided an October vacation in Florida would be nice. My sister has a condo in
Wellington Florida, near West Palm Beach. Since she doesn't usually use it in October I could use it and avoid paying for a hotel. The plane ticket was less than $200 and I got a car for $19 a day.
I drove along A1A from Palm Beach to Ft. Lauderdale. I stopped at Pier 66 and went up to the lounge at the top of the hotel tower to drink single malt scotch and watch the world go around.
September 11, 2001
Rat Bastard Terrorists Blow Up World Trade Center
I've spent many hours on my vacations in 2 World Trade Center waiting in line at the TKTS booth. It
was a nice place to wait, out of the rain and convenient to the subway. It was a good place to people
watch too, as you could see the people waiting in line for theater tickets and observation deck tickets. The booth opened at 11:00 so I expect there was no TKTS line when the planes hit. The observation
deck would have been open, but it didn't seem to be too busy in the morning.
I always wanted to have dinner at Windows on the World, but I never did.
I think that a new War Memorial Center should be built on the spot with two office towers taller than
the ones that were destroyed. People should be able to look at New York City and see that the terrorists did not achieve anything.
August 20, 2001
24 Hour K-Mart Opens
A new Super K-Mart opened on Eastern Avenue, near the Henderson Palace. If you think the people
who shop at K-Mart are a little strange you should see the people who shop at K-Mart in Nevada at 2 AM. The house brand for groceries at K-Mart is Best Yet. It makes me think Best Yet. . .cheap, Best
Yet. . .gritty, Best Yet. . .pathetic, Best Yet. . .not quite right. I bought 100 Best Yet Orange Pekoe and Pekoe Cut Black Tea for $1.77. It is Best Yet leaves a funny aftertaste.
July 19, 2001
Emperor Cam Goes On Line. . . . . .Fails
A new feature was added to the Colegrovia home page: a broken web cam. Work is underway to
guarantee that the Emperor Cam fails in entertaining ways. Reload Colegrovia.com frequently to see the same picture over and over again.
New People's Commissar Named
Peter Johansson selected to lead COMBITS.
June 29, 2001
Imperial Nephew Cody Gunst Named Commissioner of Fantasy Sports
Cody likes to set up fantasy sports leagues on Yahoo so I name him Colegrovian Commissioner of
Fantasy Sports. Since Colegrovia is such a small country and since we do not have a stadium, a baseball, a bat, a puck, or or a football, we will probably stick with fantasy sports. Jai Alai is still the
national game and Colegrovia will continue to push for a Yahoo fantasy Jai Alai league.
June 9, 2001
I had an up and down weekend. On Friday night I found a black widow spider in the house. I'll get a
pest control service for sure now. I spent Saturday night taking pictures at the Las Vegas Photography
Center. There were seven other photographers in the class. I think I learned as much from the review of everyone's work as I did from the actual photography.
May 29, 2001
Over Memorial Day I went to Hartford Wisconsin to help my
sister with her new catalog; horse blankets and dog beds, etc. It was a lot of fun. My sister's dog, Bobbin was the dog bed model.
April 30, 2001
After Japan, I went to Longmont Colorado for the T13 meeting. On my birthday, April 27, I flew to New York City for a long weekend. The bus from Newark airport broke
down at the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel. The bus company, Olympia Lines, got a new bus there in about 20 minutes. For the rest of the story see the New York City Page.
I left New York for Boston on the new Acela high speed train.
April 23, 2001
I got back from Japan OK. Saturday I took pictures of a model by a pool.
April 13, 2001
Off to Japan Again. I went to a couple of museums in Tokyo.
The commuter railroads near Tokyo have a new system called
Pass Net. It allows a person to use a fare card to enter and exit through turnstiles without purchacing a paper ticket. The fare is deducted and the remaining balance is printed
on the back of the card. The network is expected to have 21 rail companies.
April 5, 2001
Four of my pictures were featured in Las Vegan Magazine. See them on the new Colegrove Photography Page
March 21, 2001
I flew to Burlington Vermont, to go to a meeting at IBM Microelectronics Division. I was a couple
hours late due to my connecting plane not arriving at Dulles (Washington DC). United gave me a dinner
voucher for $10. I had already had dinner so I bought some biscotti. I wonder if United gives out dinner vouchers for lateness in the D.C. airports so political types think that happens all over.
About a foot of snow fell while I was in Burlington, which made driving and walking less than pleasant, but I got through it.
March 20, 2001
I spent another boring session photographing fashion models, this time in front of the Bellagio Hotel.
March 14, 2001
I went to see the movie Pollock at the new Sam's Town 18plex. The theaters are stacked on top of
one another in two floors, with very long escalators to get up to the upper theaters. There are concession stands on both levels.
The movie was good but you could tell it was directed by an actor. Ed Harris directed himself as
Pollock. There was too much emoting and not enough plot. Without enough dialog to really describe Jackson Pollock's behavior it was hard to understand what was happening. I liked it, though, and I
would recommend it.
March 11, 2001
The Canadian band Barenaked Ladies, who are five guys fully clothed, performed a concert for the
Emperor at the Mandalay Bay Events Center. Naturally, the group did not perform the Emperor's favorite Barenaked Ladies song: Light Up My Room.
March 10, 2001
The Emperor spent another boring day photographing fashion models.
February 19, 2001
The Emperor was pleased to dine with the Duke and Dutches 'd Hill Country, Princess Twirlybaton and Iwannapony and Prince Yee-Ha at Castle Lampasas. The Princess particularly enjoyed the
tomatoes. The Prince found the beans and rice both a culinary and tactile treat.
Later, the Emperor was invited by the Princess to a picnic in her
room with her dear friends Big Bird and Elmo. Unfortunately, make believe ants ate all the make believe cake. The make believe uncles stayed home.
The Emperor was also feated at the Rudy's Bar-B-Q and Gas station in Round Rock by the Knights of the AC Carictoristics Table (table 4)
January 24, 2001
You may think me crazy but I like to vacation in Manhattan.
January 8, 2001
Holy Crap Again!
Emperor Takes Job With IBM
The high tech world breathed a collective sigh of relief today as the Emperor agreed to return to IBM and once again take up the reigns of power. The NASDAQ stock market, which collapsed soon after
His Above Averageness left IBM last year, is now expected to recover.
The casino industry is expected to benefit too. "He was such a stiff," commented one inside source. "A real party pooper, we are better off without him."
December 1, 2000
My new digital camera arrived. The first picture:
Living in Henderson really sucks. It does. Really.
Picures of the Emperor's fabulous new Henderson Palace.
December 17, 1999
Emperor Moves Capital to Las Vegas
In a gradual and totally expected move, the Emperor declared today that he was tired of living in the Silicon Valley, with its extensive job opportunities and vast wealth creation, and that he would be
moving the Imperial Capital to hot, grimy, crime infested, booze soaked Las Vegas.
October 28, 1999
Spam Spam Spam Spamity Spam
Spam is the official overly salted canned pork derived meat of Colegrovia.
Back to Hawaii
The annual T13 committee meeting in Hawaii is usually a lot of fun because the committee members
bring their spouses and sometimes little kids. I got my grandmother a dozen cans of macadamia nuts, which she wraps up as Christmas presents for her pals.
The USB 2.0 meeting in Coronado, near San Diego, was interesting. The old Coronado Hotel is quite
amazing in that it hasn't burned down yet, unlike almost all of the other big old wooden resort hotels.
The bridge to Coronado has a movable lane divider. A truck-like machine moves a linked concrete barrier from one side of the center lane to the other making the bridge three lanes in one direction and
two in the other. If you pass the machine as you approach the bridge then you are on the three lane side. The old town of Coronado looked like a fun place to walk around but I didn't have time. Maybe
the next time I'm in San Diego I'll go back.
The parking lot inside the Raddison in downtown San Diego is really scary. The ramps are so narrow I don't think you could open your car doors if you got stuck.
I was making a left turn on a green arrow while at the same time a homeless guys decided to cross the
street that had the green light but a don't walk sign. I saw him in time and stopped but he got mad at me and started shouting. I drove around him and away.
MGM Grand Pictures
Crappy pictures of the fairly cool MGM Grand Convention Center in Las Vegas..
Bank of Colegrovia Releases Econometric Data
The latest Bicentennial Quarter Longitudinal Sampling Program data is in. The economy of
Los Angeles appears to be overheating. Hang on for a little stagflation.
(link to Thiensville)
The Toilettes of Paris
I decided to spend a few days in Las Vegas. The Mandalay Bay, the Venetian, and Paris casinos opened since I was in Las Vegas last in January. The most impressive architectural
achievement I saw were the Toilettes of Paris. They had real solid wood doors with substantial door latches, with occupancy indicators like on airplanes. The floor was large
cobble like quarry tile. I was impressed. Most modern construction tends toward maintainability, not style, in public facilities.
Paris is suing the nation of France to prevent them from using the Paris name for one of the cities in France. They also want them to begin calling their monument "An Eiffel Tower".
I was not impressed by the Venetian. It seems half finished and it looks like it was made from Plaster of
Paris. The shopping mall is a pale imitation of the mall at Caesars and the ceiling of the Casino is so low it felt like being in Trump's dumpy Taj Mahal in A.C. The giant ornate clock out front was eight minutes slow.
There still is no activity on the big lot next to Circus Circus. The lot has been empty as long as I have
been coming to Las Vegas. It is where the El Rancho Vegas used to stand. The El Rancho Vegas burned down in 1960 due to a sudden buildup of incriminating evidence. The name El Rancho is still
cursed. The hotel of the same name across the street from the old location has been closed for years.
The small Las Vegas casino history musem in the Tropicana was worth the time. It is mostly old casino chips and other ephemera from old Nevada casinos. The photographs of Las Vegas in the 50's were
interesting. The Flamingo, Dunes, Sands, and Sahara were clusters of two story buildings with lots of desert between them. I also liked the movie on mobsters in the casinos which showed that the
ownership of Nevada casinos by the mob was cracked when investigators found the Tropicana's daily casino recipt numbers on pieces of paper in a mobster's pocket. They emphasized ". . . of the
Tropicanca. The very same hotel you are now in!"
There is a small form for testing purposes on the home page. Eventually the Colegrovian Citizenship
application will be available on line. Please give the form a test. If is does not work for you please send me e-mail at email@example.com.
PNG PNG PNG PNG
I am starting to use PNG format files instead of JPG's. Please let me know if they don't work for you. (sample)
Back to Japan Again
This time I stayed at the Yokohama Bay Sheraton, which is right next to the Yokohama train station.
Since the new Sohtetsu train line runs directly from Yokohama to Shonandai, where the IBM plant is, and since it is a reverse commute, it is a great way to get to work in the morning. The Yokohama Bay
Sheraton has a nice breakfast buffet for only $27.
I usually try to arrive in Japan on Saturday night so I have a day to get over jet lag. This gives me all day
Sunday to goof off. This time I looked around the big Sogo department store next to the Yokohama train station. I almost bought a bottle of Suntory Hibiki whiskey but it was $98 so I gave it a pass. A
good thing too. I found it at the airport duty-free for $48, but it was still too expensive.
Outside Sogo there is a cool sculpture. It is a series of buckets on arms. Water sprays down from the top, slowly filling the buckets. They are weighted to tip over when they get partially full. When the
buckets at the bottom of the sculpture dump they make the whole thing unstable and the arms and buckets go flying.
I took the train to Shibuya in Tokyo, picked a random direction and started walking. I ended up in Omote-sando, which promotes itself as Tokyo's Champs-Elysées. From there I hopped the subway.
Since I accidentaly got on the subway going the wong way I decided to go Shimbashi and then onto the new rubber tired automated train that goes out into Tokyo bay, like I did a year ago. I stopped at a permanant Toyota new car display. They had two car parking towers. Pushing a button automaticaly
brought the car you selected down out of the tower like some kind of huge CD changer.