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Colegrovian Empire
Old News

September 23, 1999

Editor of the Colegrovia News Fired
The editor of the Colegrovia news was fired for being such a lazy S.O.B. Until a new editor is named the Emperor himself will be reporting on his activites.


September 22

Faster, Damn It
Colegrovia.com has moved from the previous slow web service provider to Interland.net. Everything should work the same only faster. The old service was just too slow. The new service has twice as much storage space so Colegrovians can look forward to 50 more Megabytes of pointless crap.

Interland has a referal discount plan so please tell them Colegrovia.com sent you if you decide to open an account there.


September 19

Don't Lick the Cinnabar
The Emperor, along with his pals from work, toured the New Almaden County Park near San Jose. The area was once one of the biggest mercury mines in the world. Now it is a combination toxic waste site and park.

The guy who first claimed the mine had almost received his $100,000 dollar reward from the Mexican government for finding a source of mercury, to replace the Spanish sources which were cut off after Mexico gained independence from Spain, when the US won its war on Mexico and got California as a spoil of war. The guy he sold it to lost it when a bunch of Wall Street types paid off congress to deny his claim. The mine had a late heyday during World War II but it closed in the 1970's when the ore was depleted.

Mercury was used to dissolve the silver and gold in ore.


August 23

Stomp that Sucker
During his visit to the Denver Mint the Emperor was guarded by a dozen machine gun toting Mint Police. This was almost certainly a due to their desire to protect the Emperor's person, not the $25 billion worth of gold in the basement.

A sack of $1000 in quarters weighs 50 pounds.


August 11

Adventures in Connecticut
On his arrival in Boston the Emperor drove through the new Ted Williams tunnel, which is open only to commercial vehicles and heads of state.  The tunnel ends in central Boston streets, which were laid out as they are to confuse the British. After touring most of most of the City the Emperor found the wrong road out of town.

The Emperor had planned to spend August 8th at the Milford Jai Alai. A torrential rain storm, coming after weeks of drought, damaged the fronton roof. The performance was canceled. Instead, the Emperor blew some dough at the Sports Haven off track betting parlor in New Haven and at the Mohegan Sun casino.

The sports book at Mohegan Sun has betting right at individual desks. Each desk has a TV and a small LCD panel for placing bets. A horse bettor can sit on his butt all day and play the ponies, leaving only to use the rest room. The next step will be to install the bet panels in the men's room.


My Summer Vacation

July 11
Across the Nevada and Utah Deserts
I drove across the states of Nevada, Utah and Colorado just to see what was there. It was mostly desert with a few cows, who enjoy standing on the highway in the open range. The my itinerary included the fabulous desert cities of Fallon, Austin, Eureka, Ely, and Hinkley.

A plastic 750ml bottle of Early Times is available in Colorado.

July 15
Into Nebraska
I chased a thunderstorm away from the sunset through Nebraska. The orange sunlight on the squall line was magnificent.

July 16
But Where are the Vacuums?
While crossing Iowa, I stopped at the Hoover Presidential Library. I think Hoover got a bad rap. He was the Secretary of Commerce for a while but he seems to be a Washington outsider. When things hit the fan his Republican party people ran from him at the same time the Democrats attacked.

July 19
Into the Dakotas
I drove to the middle of South Dakota by the middle of the night. I don't think I missed much in the dark.

July 20
That's What Passes for Entertainment Out Here?
I drove through Badlands National Park. It wasn't bad. It' wasn't too good but it wasn't too bad. Why are most national parks and monuments out west based on erosion? At the end of the Badlands is Wall Drug. It was nothing like I imagined it to be but it was still a cool bit of roadside America. I drove up to Mt. Rushmore but they wanted $8 for parking so I kept driving. You can see the sculpture from the road anyway. The Crazy Horse monument was cooler in a tourist trap kind of way. Deadwood sucked.

July 21
Don't Stop Me Now
I drove from the middle of Wyoming to Morgan Hill in one day. I just wanted to get home. The Little America hotel and restaurant in the middle of nowhere Wyoming is a nice bit of preserved 1950's. It is worth a stop. Near Fallon Nevada there was a forest fire sparked by navy bombing practice. The smoke in the sunset was impressive.


June 18

Scan of old Vermouth bottle in Bureau of Tonic from the Fabulous Jones Collection.


June 9

Colegrovia Sponsors Extreme Racing
Extreme Racing stuck a Colegrovia.com sticker on their car and got a free page in Colegrovia.


May 22

The Fabulous Jones Collection Goes Up for Sale
Imperial Great Aunt Dorothy Jones left her fabulous collection of chipped and moldy low quality antiques and household possessions to the Emperor and his sister. The huge yard sale to get rid of all the stuff so the house can be sold was a great success.

It took a lot of work by Carrie, Curtis and the Emperor himself, to lug all the stuff out of the house. The Emperor was almost rendered hors de combat after he dumped out all the old half bottles of liquor in the bar room and got gassed. 

Clyde and Dorothy Jones had one heck of a bar.


May 18

Fines Due on Library Books - Colegrovian Treasury Emptied
The Lump drops to all time lows. "Knock it off with the scatological jokes. This is serious." the Lumptroller stated. "We'll have to find almost two dollars worth of change in the wash to restore our foreign exchange balance. Do you have any idea how many loads that will take?"


May 17

Emperor Gets Hair Cut - Takes Back Library Books
It was a slow news day.


May 10

Hawaii Again
The Compact Flash Association had their quarterly meeting in Hawaii so it was back to Hawaii for the Emperor and his Imperial entourage, consisting of no one at all. It is a fairly cut rate empire after all. Lahina is still there. There are many art galleries on Maui but they tend to cater to the members Dogs Playing Poker on velvet crowd that have gotten some dough. Lots of nice bright colors, cute fishes and women carved in blocks of acrylic plastic. Perhaps high humidity erodes esthetic senseabilty.

Haleakala National Park is worth the winding trip. On the way up to the rim outlook at 10000 feet there is a group of trees called Hosmer Grove. Planted with pine trees from throughout the world in 1910, it was an experiment to see if a commercial forestry industry could be started in Hawaii. The experiment was a failure as the soil was too thin to keep the trees from falling over. It is a good spot for a walk, with lots of nice damp fog.


May 7

Jai Alai Named Colegrovian National Sport
The Emperor spent the day wagering on the Basque game Jai Alai at the Newport Rhode Island Fronton. The treasury was increased by a few lumps. Because Jai Alai is played in long pants and betting is encouraged it has been named the national sport of Colegrovia.


May 2

Colegrovia upgrades to Net Objects Fusion 4.0
The Colegrovia web site is created with Net Objects Fusion. The site was migrated to version 4.0 on May 2.  The Bureau of Whizzing and Banging promises to add more Whiz-Bang stuff to the site as soon as they figure out the new features.


May 1

Buy This Crap
In a blatant money grab, the Emperor signed up for more affinity deals . Except for CDNOW, the Empire has never acquired anything from these sites so the Imperial endorsement is meaningless. All Colegrovians are requested to report poor performance by these retailers so the Secret Police can take appropriate action.


April 16, 1999

Osaka to Tokyo on the Shinkansen
Osaka and Tokyo have a real rivalry between them. Osaka Castle, which is a concrete replica of a wooden Edo period castle that was a re-creation of a previous castle located elsewhere, has a museum describing the life of a guy named Toyotomi. The Osaka people say Toyotomi united a warring and divided Japan which was subsequently administered by Tokyo's guy Tokugawa. Tokoyo people say Tokugawa united warring Japan.

After Expo '70 two time capsules were buried outside Osaka Castle. One is scheduled to be opened next year and then every 100 after that. The other is due to be opened in the year 5000 as part of a publicity stunt to announce the first shipment of  Microsoft Windows 2000.

The Shinkansen or New Main Line trains are fast and comfortable. The view of Mt. Fuji is very nice from the Tokaido Shinkansen between Tokyo and Nagoya.


April 4, 1999


Greedy Emperor Endorses CDNOW in Exchange for Cash
We all know the emperor is venal and penurious but this is pretty low. All you have to do is click on the CDNOW banner to go directly to CDNOW, the music retailing web site. Buy stuff and the Empire gets a kickback. It is, of course, the duty of all loyal citizens of Colegrovia to buy their CD's through CDNOW now. You have to go come here to Colegrovia first and then link through to CDNOW for the Empire to get the lumps it deserves from CDNOW.


March 9, 1999

Site Style Changed
There are some bugs in the new site style that cause black on blue print. The secret police is working to root out the saboteurs who planted these bugs. Rest assured that the culprits will pay, for a dinner at least.

Remember Me to Herald Square
The Emperor decided to take a little time off in New York City. In accordance with his status as a head of state, he was surrounded by U.S. Secret Service agents, when he walked down the street where  the First Lady was having lunch. The associated traffic jam will no doubt endear her to potential New York voters. The Emperor visited:

  • American Craft Museum
  • International Center for Photography (both locations)
  • Cooper Hewett National Design Museum
  • Brooklyn Museum of Art
  • Museum of Modern Art

The Emperor went to several theatrical shows:

When in New York the Emperor says at the Manhattan Best Western, a clean, low cost and cramped hotel off Herald Square, in the Korean section of Manhattan.


March 3, 1999

Banking, Baking, Bowling and Bribery Boy Booted
In a sudden cabinet reshuffle Debbie D'Amico was named the new Minister of Banking, Baking, Bowling and Bribery.  The move was clear recognition of Minister D'Amico's development of a new bowling technique. "Basically, she rubs the pins the wrong way until they give up and fall over," said  "Large Brother", leader of the underground Colegrovian Bowlshevik Movement.
Nick Apuzzo former BBBB Minister was moved to Fine Arts and Concrete in recognition of his performance art piece titled Sneaking Away to the Competition.

Emperor Addresses International Conference
The Emperor addressed the International SIT Lab Conference in Rochester Minnesota USA to speak on the need for a good five cent IDE cable and world peace. The Emperor was interrupted by shouts of "Hey, where's the coffee?" and "Less lame data, more lame jokes!" as he  presented his outline for world peace entitled So We All Agree: 1394 Mostly Bites

Later, the Emperor was given a formal banquet consisting of a beer like liquid and pseudo Italian food. After the banquet the new Minister for Banking, Baking, Bowling and Bribery demonstrated her recent breakthrough bowling technique.


February 8, 1999

Emperor Goofs Off, Nothing Gets Done in Colegrovia
The Emperor has been goofing off lately, playing with new toys, watching TV and reading about war, oppression, revolution and grammar. Without direct Imperial oversight nothing gets done in Colegrovia, which is why there hasn't been any news since December. The Imperial travel schedule picks up in February and March so there should be more news soon.

Imperial Sister Created Baroness of Needles, Appointed Mistress of the Hunt, and Awarded the Imperial Retailing Medal with That-Looks-Good-on-you Cluster
The Emperor's Sister Carrie Gunst, on the other hand, has been working very hard in the hot Florida sun, day in and day our, with no rest or relaxation, just to feed her poor family so the Emperor decided to give her some meaningless titles and honors because they don't cost anything. Way to go Carrie!

Imperial Space Board Names First Spacetronaut

The Imperial Space Board named Curtis Gunst to be the first Imperial Spacetronaut.

No Imperial Heir Yet

The Empire is still without an heir. Not surprising since the Emperor is single and is searching for his Empress by sitting on his Imperial behind in the Imperial Apartments. We just thought we'd mention it.


December 16, 1998


    Great Aunt Dorothy Marie Jones Dies at 87

    Imperial Great Aunt Dorothy Jones had a heart attack and died. Dorothy Jones lead an interesting life. From vacations in Cuba, Mexico and Hawaii to winters in Ft. Lauderdale Florida.

    A day in 1972 was declared by the Mayor to be Dorothy Jones day in the city of Milwaukee, in honor of her knowing His Honor. 

    The next time you are in Ft. Lauderdale, stop at the very cool Mai Kai Polynesian restaruant and say Dorothy Jones sent me. They won't know what you are talking about but you'll know.



December 9, 1998

Tucson, Albuquerque, Santa Fe, Los Alamos, Sedona, Arcosanti, Taliesin West, LDA, COMDEX, The Calder Exhibit at SFMOMA

Titan Missile Museum, Tucson
The Titan Museum south of Tucson is very cool. All of the Titan II missile silos were destroyed under the SALT I treaty except for the one kept as a museum. The last silo is well preserved with a complete launch room and missile. The launch room is a three story tall structure hung by springs, to prevent damage from nearby nuclear explosions. A lot of taxpayer money went down these holes.

National Atomic Museum, Albuquerque
The Cold War was scary, there is no doubt about that. The museum has the outside of almost every nuclear weapon ever deployed by the United States including the totally nutzo Davey Crocket. The size of a big football, this thing could be fired a couple of miles from the back of a jeep. They also have the casings from two H-Bombs that were lost into the sea off Spain in the '50's and an atomic torpedo. Known as suicide fish, they couldn't be sent far enough to avoid blowing up the submarine that launched them. The atomic cannon is scary too. Before ICBM's made atomic war intercontinental the military was making useable atomic weapons.

A few miles outside of Phoenix is a lame hippy project from the 60's called Arcosanti. It is a bunch of ramshackle concrete buildings in the desert run by a aimless hippy commune. The project is supposed to be based on Paulo Solari's Arcology concept of packing humans into pleasant mega-structures, leaving the majority of nature alone. The actual plan for Arcosanti is not as ambitious as most urban developments. The Mall of America in Minnesota is a lot closer to an arcology than Arcosanti will ever be.

Taliesin West
OK, so Frank Lloyd Wright was a genius, a nasty egotistical self-absorbed genius. Did the Taliesen Fellowship product great architects? No. Why? because Frank Lloyd Wright would never have consented to be a student in such a rigid institution.  Taliesen West looks like it is falling apart. Fallingwater looks like it is falling apart apart too. Wright's architecture reminds me of World's Fair Pavilions, designed for a single season, they deteriorate and look sad no matter how much you try to keep them up. I think he would be sued into oblivion for shoddy work.

Bill Ervin Awarded Imperial Tourism Medal


November 4, 1998

Santa Fe, Maui, Palm Springs
What a sad life the Emperor leads, Santa Fe one week, Maui the next, forced to eat out in fancy restaurants each night.

Santa Fe

  • It rained constantly in Santa Fe. The rumor that it is in a desert is false.
  • The Canyon Road Art Galleries are cool.


  • The food in Hawaii is expensive and usually not very good.
  • Local Boy's Drive In in Lahina is a good deal but not fancy.
  • Major retail chains are eating Lahina.
  • Tourism in Hawaii was way down from previous years.
  • There were many ads for bankruptcy lawyers in the paper.
  • The Wailea Grand is a nice looking hotel.
  • The art galleries have happy colorful pictures that appeal to the bloated tourists.



click on map


October 10, 1998

OK, so the guy who runs Colegrovia can't exactly call himself Emperor when visiting Japan as they've got a real one.


I have always stayed at the Ocean Terrace Hotel in Fujisawa on my trips to Japan. It used to be a much nicer hotel than it is now but I think they are having trouble earning enough to renovate the rooms. I stay there because I know it and it is close to the IBM Fujisawa plant.

I took the train in to Shinjuku station. Near Shinjuku are several cool stores:

  • Yodobashi Camera
    This place has every photographic item in production I think. The basement holds the biggest selection of film anywhere in the world, in big open grocery store style cases
  • Tokyu Hands
    Tokyu Hands: The Creative Life Store has all kinds of raw materials and tools for almost any hobby. I bought some plastic bottles and glow in the dark tape.
  • Kinokunia Book Store
    The best selection of foreign books in town. I found books from European publishers I had never seen before. Unfortunately for Kinokunia I connected to the Internet from my hotel room and found Amazon has them for a much lower price. (The Internet is cool).

Photo9 10-11-98 12_14 AM

Big Site

From Shinjuku I hoped the subway (Marunouchi Line) over to Akihabara the electronics retailing section of Tokyo. I like to stop there at least once on my trips to Japan to get an idea of what is new and different. I was surprise to find that CD-Recordable media is the same price in Japan as it is in the US. Usually everything is more expensive in Japan. The cost of a Coke from the vending machines has gone up from 110 yen to 120 yen.

I was headed for the Oriental Bazaar but I got sidetracked at Shimbashi. There is a new convention center called Big Site located in Tokyo Bay. A new transit system links Shimbashi station with the new office, entertainment, and convention complex. The train has rubber tires and does a 360 degree loop to gain elevation to get across a suspension bridge. The main building is four inverted peramids, a lot like four copies of the Canada pavilion at the Expo '67.

Vandals Attack Colegrovia!
TERIF agents attacked the Colegrovia site and spray painted some stuff. The Chief of Secret Police said he would get right on tracking down the members of The Emperor Really is a Fink as soon as he gets the paint off the Secret Police Car.


September 12, 1998

Killed a Day in Chicago
The Emperor went to the Museum of Science and Industry and the Hancock Tower.


September 11, 1998

More Not Particularly Noble Nobility
The Emperor has named Elizabeth Harrison the Duchess Tiara, because she wants one. The Duchess will be in charge of selecting new Imperial Crown Jewels. The Emperor will continue to manage his family jewels himself. John Nels Fuller was elevated to Lord of the Dance and administrator of exploding stars, the Boss 'o Novas.


September 7, 1998

The Emperor had an excellent round of golf and finished with a score of one over. Not one over par, he found one more golf ball than he lost so under the Colegrovian rules of golf his score was +1.

The full Colegrovian Rules of Golf will be published in the future. Several of the rules have been established:

  • You may take a "Mulligan" if you have been married more than once.
  • There is a one stroke bonus for landing in a bunker
  • There is a one stroke penalty for hitting out of a bunker on your first try
  • Clubhouse Iced-T must include at least one.


August 22, 1998

We Want a Choo Choo Ride!
The Princess of Morgan hill and the Other Princess of Morgan Hill got to ride on the Santa Cruz and Big Trees Railroad during the annual Departmental Picnic. They invited the whole Analysis and Planning department along for the ride. Afterwards the princesses decided that marshmallows are not messy and sticky enough right out of the bag so they roasted them over a fire. Somehow one ended up stuck on the bottom of an Imperial shoe, marshmallow that is, not princess.


August 15, 1998

Photo3 9-8-98 4_21 PM

Imperial Nephew Wally

Emperor Visits Family
The Emperor dropped in to see his Nephew Cody and Brother in Law Curtis. Grandma Gertie is fine and so is Grandma Pearl. Great Aunt Dorothy is still getting along. Brother Dean, Sister in Law Dawn, their kid Nephew Wally, and Sister Carrie were out of town. The Emperor suspects they found out he was coming.

Cedarburg High School Reunion Went Great
Believe it or not, the Emperor was 18 once. People's personalities don't seem to change much over the years. The CD-Rom of old pictures was popular. More pictures on the CHS Page.


August 1, 1998

Echter Raid!
The Chief of the Secret Police and the Emperor himself have completed a successful covert Echter raid in Austin Texas. The Secret Police Chief duped an employee of the Miller Brewing Company in to searching the inventory at a local "Supermarket". The deluded puppet delivered 14 bottles of Julius Echter into the hands of the Secret Police. The Emperor then smuggled the valuable liquid through the intense perimeter security by paying a "clerk" a ridiculously low bribe of $2.45 a bottle. Texans sure are an enlightened bunch. Too bad they got suckered into joining the United States.


July 29, 1998

Emperor Green Lights Red Project
The Emperor has given an Imperial Charter to the fabulous Bowlshevik project.


July 7, 1998

Emperor Visits Manhattan and the Isle of Coney
The Emperor, on his way to meet the SCSI knights at Portland Maine, elected to visit the quaint old American town of New York City.  A full chronicle of the Emperor's activities, with color pictures, are located on the New York City Page.

The Emperor was so impressed with the Soviet Constructivist art at the Museum of Modern Art that he has decided to double the bureaucracy and establish various People's Commissars of things that are already the responsibility a ministry. While this would normally cause confusion, the Ministers are generally an idle bunch and the Commissars are expected to rise to the same standard so they should not interfere with each other.


July 4, 1998

Reno Nevada Celebrates Imperial Visit
On the evening of July 4 the people of Reno Nevada celebrated the Imperial visit with an impressive fireworks display. The Emperor was deeply moved by this show of affection.

The Emperor was in Reno to visit the palace of the Duke and Duchess of Echter who laid on a series of grand banquets and lavish entertainments including trap shooting, horse shoes, bocchi ball and cable television.

During the trip The Prince of Wobble occasionally let out a wail expressing the essential unfairness of unavoidable death and dissolution of all one's memories, rendering life essentially meaningless and futile, or that his pants were full.


June 18, 1998

Bucket Loads of Aristocracy
It appears that everyone wants a title without any work, even as a phony baloney Colegrovian Minister. The Emperor elevated a bunch people to the ranks of the Colegrovian Nobility, even though most of them sure don't act much like aristocrats.


June 11, 1998

Emperor Visits St. Petersburg Florida U.S.A.
The Emperor was greeted by a jubilant crowd at the Tampa airport as he arrived. The crowd suddenly dispersed as soon as the luggage arrived, however, leaving the Emperor to trudge to the Hertz booth on his own.

The Hotel Next Door

Best Western Sirata Beach

Interestingly, there is a Russian submarine open for tours in St. Petersburg while there may not be a Russian submarine open for tours in St. Petersburg.

New Nobility Created
Katie Chagnon was declared The Princess of Morgan Hill. Her sister Emily Chagnon was declared to be The Other Princess of Morgan Hill. As princesses of the realm they have the privilege to do whatever their mommy tells them to do.

Emperor Views a Motion Picture
Review in Raves


June 8, 1998

Empire Aquires New Technology
Photo4 6-10-98 2_49 PM E1
The Emperor bought a reconditioned HP digital camera for ^33 ($165) at an online auction. It produces low quality, but cheap, digital images. If your eyes go bad while looking at this site please call HP customer service.

The Imperial Technology Aquisition Department is now checking the online auctions for an orbital ion cannon or one of those Indian woven rattan A-bombs.


May 25, 1998

Not Much Going On
A very boring three day holiday weekend was declared throught the Empire. The Emperor walked to the library to take back some books and went grocery shopping. The War with Switzerland was called off.


May 18, 1998

The colegrovia.com URL is up!


May 9, 1998

The colegrovia.com URL has been applied for. Unfortunately Colegrovia was not able to secure the colegrovia.gov URL which is its right. As a phone baloney virtual nation we are being accorded the respect we deserve, therefore no .gov. The cabinet will decide if it would be advantagous for Colegrovia to request a national two letter designation such as .fr for France. Unfortunately .co has already been allocated. Fortunately .fu has not, which may provide Colegrovia with a URL suffix comensurate with our national ambition.

 Watch for the announcement of web site migration from the Ministry of Lies, Decit, Radio and Television.


May 3, 1998

I got into Colorado Springs at about 4pm so I decided to go to Cripple Creek, the old mining town turned gambling center.


April 25, 1998

Malibu Car PictureOn April 25 I bought a new car, a Chevy Malibu. OK so it is not a real expensive or impressive car and its not one of those trendy SUV things but I'm not a trendy guy. I just want to get from here to there at just over the legal speed limit.